When Friends and Family Don’t Get It

Key Takeaways

• Many friends and family members genuinely care but struggle to understand the emotional complexity of fertility treatment.
• Misunderstandings often come from lack of knowledge — not lack of love.
• Setting clear boundaries can protect your emotional health while keeping relationships intact.
• Communication scripts help you respond to unwanted advice or intrusive questions.
• You are allowed to limit who has access to your story — and how much they know.
• Support from a fertility community, counselor, or support group can fill emotional gaps families can’t.

One of the most painful parts of fertility treatment, IVF, or pursuing surrogacy is realizing that the people closest to you may not fully understand what you’re going through. They might say the wrong thing, minimize your feelings, or offer unsolicited advice. Even well-meaning loved ones can unintentionally add pressure or confusion.

This article helps you understand why these disconnects happen — and gives you tools to protect your emotional wellbeing, communicate effectively, and seek support that truly helps.

Why Friends and Family Often Struggle to Understand

Fertility Treatment Isn’t Common Knowledge

Most people don’t know:

• how IVF works
• what surrogacy involves
• how emotionally draining cycles can be
• how long the process takes
• how physically intense treatment feels

Without context, they may simplify complex decisions.

They Want to “Fix It” Instead of Listening

You may hear:

• “Just relax!”
• “Don’t stress — it’ll happen.”
• “Why don’t you just adopt?”

These comments come from a desire to help, but often invalidate your experience.

Cultural or Generational Gaps

In many cultures:

• infertility is not openly discussed
• surrogacy is misunderstood
• family members may minimize emotions to avoid discomfort

This creates emotional distance.

Common Frustrations You’re Not Alone In

Minimizing Your Experience

Statements like:

• “It’s not that bad.”
• “At least you’re still young.”
• “Try again next month.”

can undermine your pain.

Intrusive Questions

People may ask:

• “Are you pregnant yet?”
• “Why is it taking so long?”
• “How much did IVF cost?”

These questions can feel exhausting or invasive.

Unwanted Opinions

Loved ones often jump in with:

• advice
• stories of someone who conceived naturally
• moral opinions about surrogacy

This adds pressure during an already vulnerable time.

How to Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing

Set Boundaries — You Decide What to Share

You can choose:

• who knows about your cycle
• how much detail to share
• whether you want updates from others
• when to pause a conversation

Boundaries are not walls — they are emotional safety.

Create a “Support Team” With People Who Get It

This may include:

• your partner
• a counselor
• a close friend
• online fertility communities
• other intended parents

They can provide empathy your family may struggle with.

Refocus Conversations

If someone brings up fertility when you don’t want to discuss it, try:

• “I appreciate you caring about us. Today I’d prefer to focus on something else.”
• “Thanks for checking in. I’ll share updates when I’m ready.”

Practical Communication Tools

Scripts for Common Situations

Unwanted advice:
“Thank you for thinking of me. Right now I’m following medical guidance and trying to stay focused on what feels manageable.”

Intrusive questions:
“We’re keeping the details private at the moment — thanks for understanding.”

Insensitive comments:
“I know you meant well, but that comment felt a little tough to hear today.”

Overstepping boundaries:
“This is a stressful process, and I need to protect my headspace. I’ll share updates when I can.”

When You Need Space

It’s okay to step back temporarily from:

• group chats
• family gatherings
• conversations that feel triggering
• social media posts about pregnancies

This is emotional self-care, not avoidance.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you feel:

• chronically overwhelmed
• emotionally drained
• misunderstood by your closest people
• isolated
• anxious or depressed

a fertility therapist can help you process and strategize.

Case Study: How Ana Set Boundaries Without Losing Her Family

Ana was starting her second IVF cycle. Her mother constantly asked for updates, her sister said “just relax,” and her aunt offered adoption advice weekly. Ana felt suffocated.

A counselor helped her create a “communication script”:

• Share minimal updates
• Schedule one weekly check-in
• Politely redirect intrusive questions

Ana practiced saying:
“I know you care. I’ll update you once a week — otherwise I need space.”

Within two weeks, her stress levels dropped, and her family finally understood how to support her.

Testimonials

1. Meera & Arjun
“Once we set boundaries and explained what we needed, our family became more supportive instead of overwhelming.”

2. Lauren
“I stopped sharing updates with everyone and chose one friend to confide in. It changed everything for my mental health.”

3. Sofia (Intended Parent via Surrogacy)
“My family didn’t understand surrogacy at first. With education and patience, they eventually became my biggest supporters.”

Expert Quote

“Loved ones care deeply, but without education they often respond through their own fears, biases, or discomfort. Clear boundaries are not unkind — they are essential for emotional survival during fertility treatment.”
— Dr. Mira Jalan, Fertility Mental Health Specialist

Internal Links 

• Emotional Health During Fertility & Surrogacy
• Partner Communication Tools
• Managing Fertility Stress
• Surviving Family Pressure During IVF
• Surrogacy Emotional Journey Guide

Glossary

Boundary: A limit you set to protect emotional or psychological wellbeing.
Support System: A group of people offering emotional or practical help.
Trigger: Anything that brings up distressing emotions unexpectedly.
IVF (In Vitro Fertilization): A fertility treatment involving egg retrieval, fertilization, and embryo transfer.
Lived Experience: Real emotional experiences, not just medical facts.

FAQ 

Q. Why do friends and family often struggle to understand fertility treatment or surrogacy?

Ans. Because most people have never experienced it. They don’t understand the medical timeline, the emotional rollercoaster, or the physical impact. Their intentions are often good, but without education, their reactions can feel dismissive or overwhelming. Remember — lack of understanding isn’t lack of love.

Q. How do I respond to intrusive questions like “Are you pregnant yet?”

Ans. You can politely set boundaries. Try:
“Thanks for checking in. We’re keeping the details private for now.”
This protects your privacy without damaging relationships. People often don’t realize their questions are hurtful.

Q. What should I do if my family keeps giving unwanted advice?

Ans. Respond with appreciation + boundary:
“I know you want to help. I’m following my medical team’s guidance, so I’d prefer fewer suggestions right now.”
Most people adjust once expectations are clearly set.

Q. How can I protect my mental health when family members keep pressuring me?

Ans. Limit how often you discuss treatment. Keep certain details private. Redirect conversations. And lean on people who do understand — support groups, counselors, or trusted friends.

Q. Is it okay to stop sharing updates with family temporarily?

Ans. Yes. You’re not obligated to give emotional updates when you’re drained. It’s normal to take breaks, especially during stimulation, retrieval, or two-week waits.

Q. How do I handle friends who announce pregnancies while I’m struggling?

Ans. This is one of the hardest emotional triggers. You can step back without explanation, send your congratulations later, or limit contact until you feel grounded. Protect your emotional space first.

Q. What if my partner and I disagree about what to tell family?

Ans. Create a shared plan:

• What to share
• With whom
• How often
• What topics are off limits

Compromise where possible — but prioritize emotional safety.

Q. Can I educate my family about IVF or surrogacy?

Ans. Yes — if you have the emotional energy. Sending a simple explainer article or link can help reduce misunderstandings. Some families respond well once they understand the medical and emotional complexity.

Q. How do I deal with cultural expectations around fertility?

Ans. Cultural pressure is real. You can set boundaries respectfully by emphasizing medical guidance and emotional wellbeing. If conversations become draining, shift topics or reduce length of interactions.

Q. Should I talk to a fertility therapist if family stress becomes too much?

Ans. Absolutely. Therapists can help you create communication strategies, defuse triggers, and rebuild emotional resilience. Many clinics include counseling support.

Q. Is it normal to feel isolated even with supportive friends?

Ans. Yes. Fertility treatment or surrogacy is intensely personal. Even supportive friends may not fully relate. It’s normal to crave connection with others going through similar journeys.

Q. How can I build a support system outside my family?

Ans. Try:

• Online fertility communities
• Surrogacy support groups
• Therapy
• Peer mentorship
• A trusted friend who listens without judgment

You deserve support that feels safe and validating.