Advice for Friends & Family

The surrogacy journey is a profound and emotional path to parenthood. For the intended parents, it’s a journey filled with hope, anticipation, and unique challenges. As a friend or family member, your support is invaluable. This guide, from the experts at Surrogacy4All, provides actionable advice on how to be the compassionate, informed, and respectful ally your loved ones need during this special time.

Understanding the “Why” – The Emotional Foundation of Surrogacy

Surrogacy is not a “last resort”; it is a courageous and deliberate choice to build a family. Intended parents come to surrogacy for many reasons: medical conditions like uterine factor infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, same-sex male couples, or single individuals. Your first and most important role is to understand that this path is born from a deep desire to become parents.

• Key Takeaways:

  • Validate their decision. A simple, “I’m so happy for you as you start this journey to grow your family,” means the world.

  • Avoid asking probing questions about “why” they need surrogacy. It’s often tied to complex and private medical history.

  • Recognize that this is their pregnancy. The emotional experience of expecting a child is just as real for them.

What to Say (and What to Avoid) – The Language of Support

Language is powerful. Using the right words can make your loved ones feel seen and supported, while the wrong ones can unintentionally cause isolation and pain.

• What TO Say:

  • “I’m so excited for you on this journey.”

  • “How are you holding up through the process?”

  • “I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk about it.”

  • “You are going to be wonderful parents.”

• What to AVOID Saying:

  • Don’t: “Isn’t it expensive?” (It’s a financial commitment they have chosen to make.)

  • Don’t: “Will you use your own egg/sperm?” (This delves into private medical and genetic details.)

  • Don’t: Refer to the surrogate as the “real mother.” The surrogate is a gestational carrier helping them have their baby.

  • Don’t: Offer unsolicited opinions on the ethics or complexities of surrogacy.

The Role of the Surrogate – Respecting the Relationship

The relationship between the intended parents and their surrogate is built on mutual respect, clear boundaries, and a shared goal. It is a professional and deeply human arrangement.

• Key Takeaways:

  • Follow the intended parents’ lead on how they refer to their surrogate (e.g., “our gestational carrier,” “Sarah”).

  • Do not question their choice of surrogate or the terms of their agreement.

  • Understand that the intended parents may have a very close relationship with their surrogate, or it may be more business-like. Both are valid.

  • Your focus should remain on supporting the intended parents.

Practical Ways to Show You Care – Beyond Words

The surrogacy process involves medical appointments, legal steps, and logistical planning. Practical support can be even more meaningful than emotional platitudes.

• Actionable Support Ideas:

  • Offer to Accompany: Ask if they’d like company to clinic appointments or legal meetings for moral support.

  • Celebrate Milestones: Mark the positive moments—the embryo transfer, a positive pregnancy test, ultrasound appointments. Send a card or a small gift.

  • Plan the Baby Shower: Host a shower that focuses entirely on them as the expecting parents. It’s a powerful affirmation of their journey.

  • Be a Sounding Board: The process can be stressful. Let them vent about delays or frustrations without trying to immediately “fix” it.

After the Birth – Acknowledging the New Family

The moment their child is born is the culmination of their incredible journey. Your role is to center them completely in this experience.

• Key Takeaways:

  • The intended parents are the parents, from the very first second. Refer to them as such.

  • Respect the hospital plan. There may be specific arrangements for the delivery room and immediate post-birth period to bond with the baby.

  • Offer post-partum support to the new parents—meals, help with errands, etc. They are experiencing the same newborn exhaustion as any other parent.

  • Continue to use language that affirms their parenthood. This is their child.