The adoption journey can feel complicated, but at its core, it unfolds in four major phases:
Getting Started, Outreach, Matching & Due Diligence, and Hospital Plan & Post-Delivery.
Each step can look different depending on whether you’re pursuing an agency or private adoption and the laws of your state (and the birth parents’ state).
The first step in the Getting Started phase is to clearly define your preferences and goals. These will likely evolve over time, but having an initial vision helps you decide what kind of professionals you’ll want to work with and how to focus your efforts.
Understanding your preferences early on also helps you plan for the time commitment, emotional investment, and financial costs involved.
Common factors adoptive parents consider include:
Type of adoption (agency or private)
Level of openness with birth parents
Preferences around race, gender, or background of the child
Comfort with special circumstances (e.g., medical needs or substance exposure)
In upcoming lessons, we’ll explore openness levels and transracial adoption considerations in more detail.
Once you’ve clarified your goals, the next step is choosing the right adoption path — and the right professionals to guide you.
Some agencies and attorneys specialize in specific areas — such as LGBTQ+ families, particular religious communities, or expectant parents from certain cultural backgrounds.
Most will market themselves as having:
Quick and ethical placement processes
Broad access to expectant parents
A low rate of failed matches
While such claims can be hard to verify, it’s vital that you conduct your own research. Make sure you align with your chosen professionals’ values, and that they treat every participant — especially expectant parents — with respect, transparency, and compassion.
Experts recommend working with an attorney who’s a member of the Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorneys (AAAA). These “Quad A” attorneys bring specialized experience in adoption law and can help you avoid common pitfalls.
Every state requires you to become officially eligible before adopting. The process — and who determines eligibility — depends on your state and whether you’re working with an agency.
For example:
In New York, agencies are legally authorized to determine eligibility.
In private adoptions, a court typically makes that determination.
The key step in this phase is the home study — a mandatory evaluation conducted by a licensed social worker.
The home study assesses whether you’re emotionally, medically, and financially prepared to raise a child. It typically takes 3–6 months and requires:
A medical statement from your doctor
Proof of financial stability (tax returns, W-2s, bank statements)
In-person or virtual meetings with the social worker
The social worker will get to know your background, lifestyle, parenting views, and living environment. They’ll then submit a report summarizing their findings and recommending whether you’re approved to adopt.
This report typically covers 8–10 key areas, such as:
Emotional readiness
Financial preparedness
Health and lifestyle
Family support network
Home safety and stability
The next major phase, Outreach, begins with creating a profile that introduces you to expectant parents.
Unless you already know the expectant parent, you’ll create either a physical “book” or a personal website that includes:
Photos and videos
Personal stories
A letter to the expectant parent
Expectant parents often review 2 to 15 profiles, and your goal is to create a genuine, emotional, and authentic introduction to your family.
According to birth mother and advocate Ashley Mitchell, most expectant parents look for three things:
Visual Connection — Do your photos feel real and relatable? Use a mix of professional shots and candid moments that show your everyday life. The question she’s really asking is: “Can I picture my child in your family?”
Emotional Connection — Your “Dear Birth Mom” letter should come from a place of empathy, not desperation. Focus on her courage and situation rather than on your struggles or hopes.
The X Factor — Sometimes, it’s an unexpected detail that seals the connection — a shared hobby, a familiar pet, or even a favorite sports team. These small things can make a big emotional impact.
Ashley’s advice: Don’t overthink perfection. Focus on being honest, kind, and human.
Expectant parents may be found through:
Personal relationships or referrals
Agencies or adoption attorneys
Licensed facilitators or online networks
Social media connections
If you use third parties, ask how they match clients — not all profiles are shown to every expectant parent, and some professionals limit options based on subjective criteria like wait time or past matches.
If you or your professionals plan to advertise, know the laws of both your state and the state where the birth parents live.
Some states allow only licensed agencies to advertise; others ban advertising completely. Inappropriate or misleading ads — especially those implying financial incentives — can make an adoption legally invalid.
Work with a licensed attorney to ensure all advertising complies with state laws. And beware: adoption ads can attract scammers or fee-based intermediaries. Always vet credibility before engaging.
Once both parties express mutual interest, the matching phase begins.
During this stage, the expectant parents are still deciding, and nothing is legally binding until after birth.
Key steps include:
Verifying the pregnancy through an OBGYN record
Collecting social and medical history from both biological parents
Assessing potential risk factors, such as health conditions or substance use
In some cases, background checks may be conducted, and medical records may be requested — but all must be handled with sensitivity and consent.
After a match is made, the first step is to verify the pregnancy through official medical records, such as an ultrasound or doctor’s confirmation. This ensures the process is ethical and based on accurate information.
Next, adoption professionals collect the social and medical history of the expectant parents. This includes family health background, prenatal care, substance exposure, and lifestyle details.
The goal is to help adoptive parents and healthcare providers understand the child’s needs and background. All information is kept confidential and handled with sensitivity to protect everyone involved.
Pre-adoptive and expectant parents often meet in person or online before birth to form a relationship.
These meetings help both sides build trust and clarify expectations about future communication and openness.
Such relationships — when handled with care — can have lifelong benefits for the child and all parents involved.
Because adoption is an emotionally intense experience, expectant parents should receive independent counseling and have their own attorney (paid for by the adoptive parents).
This ensures they understand their rights, make informed decisions, and feel emotionally supported throughout the process.
Research from the University of Minnesota shows that most birth parents continue to experience grief long after adoption, highlighting the need for compassionate care and long-term support.
Both legal teams must confirm:
All parental consents are obtained
The biological father’s rights are properly addressed
Compliance with the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) if Native heritage is involved
Any financial assistance (medical or living expenses) is lawful and transparent
Adoptive parents may cover reasonable and customary living expenses, often capped at around $5,000, but excessive payments can be seen as coercive and may invalidate the adoption.
As the due date approaches, both families — guided by their professionals — should design a hospital plan outlining:
Who will be present during birth
Roles and boundaries in the delivery room
Post-delivery time with the baby
Ultimately, the expectant parents make all decisions until legal relinquishment. Adoptive parents should remain emotionally prepared for any outcome — including the possibility that the birth parent decides to parent her child.
This period is deeply emotional for everyone. Compassion, patience, and respect are key.
If the birth mother decides to proceed, she’ll sign relinquishment documents to formally surrender parental rights.
Some states impose a waiting period (e.g., 30–45 days in New York), while others (like Utah) allow signing immediately after discharge.
State laws differ on revocation periods, so your attorney will guide you through the exact process.
Once all waiting or revocation periods expire, the adoptive parents’ attorney files the paperwork with the court to finalize the adoption.
At this point, the adoption becomes legally permanent, and the child officially joins their new family.
Our job is to listen, to connect the dots between your needs, and to determine how we can best help you have your baby. If you’re asking how much does it cost for a surrogate, we’ll walk you through every step of the process to ensure there are no surprises.
To make an appointment with one of our counselors or physicians, please call (212) 661-7673 or email info@surrogacy4all.com. We look forward to hearing from you.
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